Step parenting - the joys and challenges.
About step-parenting
More and more families are becoming stepfamilies. We need to know what to expect and how to deal with the joys and challenges inherent in this role.
Step parenting is like a sea of warm calm waters and cold storms. The warm waters will nurture you and the cold will help you grow as a person and be more giving and compassionate. The rocky road often has the greatest riches and the biggest prize at the end.
Key points to consider about step parenting and being a stepparent.
Boundaries (knowing about limits)
Get on the band wagon and help the parent steer it. Don’t try and take the controls away from the parent and steer it your own way. You will all crash...and you probably won’t be forgiven.
You have to let go of the fact that your overall needs are not as important as the existing parent/child relationship. They never will be. Deal with it.
Don’t try and take centre stage and bask in the limelight. You are in a support role.
Don’t try and be the good or bad cop. Leave that to the parents. Be the fun-loving cop that lays a good foundation for the good and bad cop to do their job.
A stepparent is similar to a grandparent. You are still the responsible adult in-situ but you don’t have to be the parent. So you can let your step kids have 2 scoops of ice cream when they are with you as a treat as long as you support the parental one scoop boundary after you hand them back.
The worst thing you can do is to ignore your step kids and try and take their parent away from them. They will resent you and hate you for it. They will also win the battle and the war because their mum/dad will ultimately chose them over you.....and they probably know it.
Ultimately it’s about the children, not you. Get used to it and get on board with it. Trust that your input will be valued.
Communication (saying it straight)
You can add and receive massive value to and from your stepfamily. You need to be patient and give it time.
Deal with feelings of being left out, marginalised and being less important by getting more actively involved. Work on small acts of kindness. They will be noticed more than you realise.
Kids intuitively know the difference between good guys and bad people. Be a good person and mean it and you will win through with patience and perseverance.
You get what you give out to others so be generous with you compliments all round and you may get them back.
Find the love in your heart and be willing to give it unconditionally. Love is behaviour not words. So DO things to help and pay some compliments in while you are doing it. The love will come back at you probably sooner than you think.
You don’t have to always get it right BUT you do need to say sorry to your step kids if you get it wrong and you think an apology is owed. If they feel valued, respected and loved by you they will in all likelihood forgive you.
You are free to express your needs, but you may need to accept that your step kids needs will trump yours sometimes, but not all the time.
If you feel like the butler, be the best butler you can be and maybe your stepfamily will give you a promotion.
Negotiation (Going for win/win)
Agree a contract with the parent about your input, how you might express your feelings, challenges and needs regarding your stepparent situation and how you give feedback if you have a different opinion.
Agree negotiable and non-negotiable issues between the 2 of you. What are the rules of play and what would mean that the game is off.
Look to add value to the already existing parental process.
Being in a Stepfamily brings up lots of fears, emotions and insecurities. This can lead to awkwardness. It’s important to talk about them without naming, shaming or blaming with the help of a family therapist if necessary.
Support mum or dad when the going gets tough for them as a parent.
