Bereavement though suicide
Most of us have lost someone at some point in our lives that found a way into a special place in our heart. We cherish this relationship and feel safe, secure, loved and valued. The knocks of life somehow seem softer in the shining light of this person’s loving support and presence.
Most of us have also borne the pain and devastation of losing someone with whom we share this special connection. It leaves us feeling overwhelmed by the excruciating pain of loss and not having that person with us anymore. We long for them to be back with us where they belong, we feel angry at the world and perhaps God for taking them away. We torture ourselves with something we didn’t say or do before they left. We can’t imagine a happy life without that person by our side and we feel that part of our heart died with them and is broken forever.
Now imagine all this with another painful twist. The knowledge that this person who we love and cherish in our heart chose to leave. It wasn’t an accident or illness; they chose to go. For those who have lost a loved one through suicide this is like the cutting knife of grief being driven deeper into their hearts and given a further twist. Somehow this feels deeply personal. They rejected and abandoned me! Was I really loved? Am I loveable? Why? The person bereaved through suicide are left with so many deeply painful, overwhelming confusing feelings and unanswered questions and it can feel like they are being torn apart.
When a loved one does something to hurt us we can feel very alone and isolated with our hurt feelings. We can feel very stuck with no way out. One of the best ways to come out of isolation and heal this wound is to talk to the person in a non-hurtful way about what happened and how we were hurt. Perhaps you will be heard and emotionally met and will hear the other side of the story and start to understand what happened. You can then hopefully repair the rupture in the relationship, forgive and move on.
But what if the person who hurt you so very deeply isn’t there to talk to because they chose to leave. You feel so hurt, isolated and alone yet you can’t talk to them to find out why they left. You can’t tell them how much you loved them and what they meant to you. How you would have done anything if it meant they would stay. You can’t ask them if you didn’t give them something they needed. You don’t know but feel regret and somehow blame yourself anyway. You may ask yourself if you missed something? Maybe you had an argument with them the week before? You don’t know because you can’t ask. They are gone forever. This is the burden that those bereaved through suicide carry in their heart and it is a heavy one.
Many people who have lost someone through suicide find people won’t talk about it. They can be left feeling shame and rejection from others. It’s the unmentionable. You could talk about it but will they understand? Will they judge the person I have lost as well as me and my family because they took their own life?
It has been said that we are as sick as our secrets. If we have the courage to share our inner painful feelings in a relationship or a group where we feel safe, heard, supported and understood the rugged, sharp inner landscape of out grief can look, feel and be experienced differently. We can also come to the realisation that others can understand how we feel and can walk the path beside us towards a life where we may still feel and carry the burden but it can be lighter and we can still enjoy a happy, heart filled life and be fulfilled.
